First things first: Recognize that this is not fun for anyone. Not for you, and not for your parents. I mention this painfully obvious fact not because it’s new information to you. I mention it to illustrate something you most likely have not thought of that is common to all of those difficult situations that involve people we love: Planning to take over an older relative’s finances is best done in happier times, when both sides are healthy and various options can be considered.Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. More often than not, events intervene – death, illness or natural disasters – that make an elder’s need for assistance an immediate need. Once stricken, older relatives may be unable to understand questions or express their wishes in proper detail. If there is no plan, family members grasp at responsibilities – or shirk them – without any idea of what the older relative would really want.
Such talks should go beyond money. They should be about independence and basic preferences for the way an individual wants to live or die. With the rising number of single Americans – those divorced or never married – these conversations will become increasingly complicated as they fall outside the circle of children and into the laps of nieces and nephews, younger friends or designated representatives.
To avoid a worst-case scenario, start the conversation now. Here are some ideas to get you started:
Decide what’s important to talk about first: Maybe this conversation isn’t just about where the will or health care power of attorney is. Maybe this conversation is about you noticing that a parent or loved one is moving slower, is more forgetful, is clearly looking like their health has taken a turn for the worse – and maybe that’s why you want to know where the will is. Jumping into money issues first is usually a mistake. Deal with immediate health and lifestyle issues first.
Explain why you want to talk about finances: In some families, having a successful financial discussion means several attempts and some frustration. Guard yourself against becoming angry or frustrated – sow ample amounts of gentility in every attempt to start the conversation, until it catches on. It might make sense to say something like, “You’ve always been so independent, Mom. I just want you to give us the right instructions so we do exactly what you want.”
Prepare your questions in advance: When a parent or relative is unconscious or unresponsive, the younger relative is immediately in the drivers’ seat. That’s why it’s critical to make a list of questions for the elderly relative to answer in detail. The basics: Where important papers are, how household expenses are paid, who doctors and specialists are, what medicines are being taken and whether there’s a will, an advanced directive and a funeral plan (and money or insurance proceeds to pay for it). There may be dozens more questions beyond these based on your family’s personal circumstances. But in creating this list, ask yourself: “What do I need to know if this person suddenly becomes sick or dies?”
Offer to get some qualified advice: If you don’t fully understand your relative’s financial affairs, it might make sense for you both to talk to an attorney or a CPA or financial advisor. A qualified advisor can offer specific suggestions on critical legal documents that should be in place and ways to make sure accounts to pay medical and household bills are accessible to the older person and the designated friend or relative who will hold power of attorney.
Plan a caregiving strategy together: Discuss the relative’s preferences and trigger points for various stages of heath care. An individual almost always wants to stay in his or her home, but seek honest discussion on how much you can do at home as a caregiver and whether various services (home health aide, geriatric care manager, assisted living) should be introduced at various stages. Talking through what a parent will be able to live with at various health stages – and putting that information in writing – will save doubt and bitterness later.
Discuss what should happen with the home: If an elderly relative becomes sick and irreversibly incapacitated, the equity in his or her home may come under consideration as a resource to pay medical or household maintenance. Since the home is both a major asset and an emotional focal point, it’s best to get good advice and spell out specifically what the elderly relative wants done with his property and under what conditions.
Make sure everyone knows the plan: Once you settle on a strategy, make sure all family and friends understand the plan and their assignments. If we can help, let us know. It would be a privilege for us to bring our experience in this area to bear and help you and your family walk through this difficult and awkward process.
Note: This article was originally published on our firm's blog at www.ctbfin.com/ctbblog. Please visit our company website for more articles on a wide variety of topics.